


Oh, knickers!

by moonfairy13



Series: Hermione's Writing Workshops [4]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Banter, Breaking the Fourth Wall, British English, Britpicking, F/M, FairySafe, Fred Weasley Lives, Language, One Big Happy Weasley Family (Harry Potter)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-26
Updated: 2020-10-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:07:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27150187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonfairy13/pseuds/moonfairy13
Summary: Hermione is back, this time with a Question from Quartz. She needs to know about knickers. And pants. And everything in between...
Relationships: Charlie Weasley/Original Female Character(s), Hermione Granger/Fred Weasley
Series: Hermione's Writing Workshops [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1467289
Comments: 12
Kudos: 20





	Oh, knickers!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Quartz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quartz/gifts).



> This one is for [Quartz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quartz/pseuds/Quartz), who writes fab stories with good smut, so you should totally check her out. This is my answer to a series of questions that she had about British underwear, and it's related to (and also a reward for finishing) her latest fic, [In the Stacks](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27202921). With thanks and credit also to [LSUSWEETIE](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LSUsweetie/pseuds/LSUsweetie) and [ThePotterWatcher](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThePotterWatcher/pseuds/ThePotterWatcher) who aided and abetted with translation, Louisiana picking and general giggling. Also, here's the [Marks and Spencers' men's underwear page](https://www.marksandspencer.com/MSFindItemsByKeyword?searchTerm=men%27s+underwear&intid=normal&langId=-24&storeId=10151&catalogId=10051&categoryId=0), should you wish to indulge after reading. Hope you enjoy 😊

Hermione carefully carried the tray of tea and biscuits into The Burrow’s living room.

“It’s Quartz this time,” she said, putting the tray down. She fished her new muggle phone from her pocket and flicked it with her finger until she could see the message. 

“I like Quartz,” said Fred, as he leaned forward to pinch a biscuit. “She has good hats.”

“Yes, she does. She sent me a Facebook message in the night. Our night,” Hermione clarified, scanning the message again, “and she wants to know about knickers.”

“Well, does she indeed?!” Fred sat up a bit straighter, temporarily halting his biscuit collection mission, which allowed George and Ron to take their pick first. “Charlie!” Fred called, in the vague direction of the kitchen. “We’ve got a question about knickers!”

“Count me in!” Charlie appeared at the door. “Are we going to need Lauren this time?” He looked at the floo and sent a quick message on his mirrorphone.

“Maybe,” Hermione said. “But it’s about boys’ knickers…”

“But boys don’t wear knickers!” Ron’s voice was loud and somewhat indignant. “Well,” he continued, speaking a bit more softly. “I suppose some do.” He could definitely remember a fic or two where Draco had made some rather interesting decisions in that department, often for Harry’s benefit. “But mostly not.”

“Shall I read the message first?” Hermione asked.

“Go on, love.” Fred had two biscuits now and settled into the armchair beside Hermione.

“Right. Here’s what she wrote. ‘OK, whenever Moonfairy is awake, I have a BritPick question. Isn't knickers as a term for underwear reserved for ladies’ undergarments? Or is it a unisex term? Although couldn't it be unisex regardless of traditional connotations because gender is a social construct and we should smash the patriarchy?”

“Oh,” said Charlie. “We might need Lauren, if we’re going to smash the patriarchy…”

“I’m here,” Lauren said, stepping out of the fireplace and Hermione smiled when she saw what had held her friend up. “I’ve brought reinforcements!”

“Well hello there, Miss Jessica.” Fred smiled at the woman who had once helped him realise that he was in love with Hermione. He touched the salve scar on his chest, in remembrance, and the Unspeakable smiled at him.

“It’s nice to see y’all,” she said, and then took her own seat. “How can I help?”

“We’re helping Moonfairy answer a question about British and American underwear,” Hermione said, indicating her phone. “You’ve been living over here a while, so maybe you can help too.”

“Well,” said Jessica, “I could be wrong, but I think that your knickers are the same as our panties, and pants is a unisex term. So if you’re OK with calling everything panties in the USA because of the gender thing then I suppose the same would apply to knickers?”

“That’s what Quartz thought,” said Hermione, reading more of the message. “But she says she was reading something where they were referencing a young boy’s undergarments as knickers, which she says is not as bad as it sounds in the context it was in, and she got confused.” Hermione looked up. “I think she wants to know if that’s what a Brit would say, or if it’s someone who has misunderstood or is a bit confused."

“I’d be confused too,” said Jessica. “Though, if it helps, we could call everything by the very country term ‘drawers’.”

“That would be great,” said George, trying to say the word a few times in a Southern drawl to match Jessica’s. “Very gender neutral. We don’t say that here though!”

“OK,” said Hermione, beginning to type. “Here’s what I’m going to say. Knickers are historically for girls and women and yes, they kind of equal panties.” She looked at Jessica, who nodded. 

“Except,” Lauren added, “British people do occasionally use that word to refer to boy’s and men’s underwear, but usually as a joke. You have to know a man quite well and know that they have a sense of humour to say that, else it could be misconstrued.”

“Hermione says it about mine sometimes,” Fred grinned. “She’s like, ‘are you going to put any knickers on this morning or will you still be naked when your mum gets here?!’” He laughed.

“I say it to Charlie too,” Lauren admitted. 

“It’s alright,” Charlie said. “I’m comfortable enough in my own sexuality to take it! You might not want to say it to someone you didn’t know well though…”

“Yeah, and you should also mention the phrase, ‘to get your knickers in a twist’, George said, looking slyly at Ron. The twins had used that in Ron and Percy’s direction on more than one occasion.

“Oh! We have one like that, which we say to guys as a joke,” said Jessica. “Except we say don’t get your panties in a wad, or what’s got your panties in a wad.”

“It sound so much sexier with that southern accent,” Lauren smiled. “I’m going to practice it too!”

“It’s kind of a very mild swear word too, for when things aren’t going your way.” Fred added, watching Hermione type their conversation out to Quartz. “Oh, knickers!” he exclaimed in demonstration. 

“I should say that to you then, when you leave your knickers lying on the bedroom floor,” Charlie teased Lauren, making the blonde woman laugh, although she did look slightly sheepish. Her untidiness – which, she claimed, derived from the fact that her brain was often pondering some academic theory or other and not registering the practical realities of her life – was famous among the Weasleys, especially as Charlie was known to be one of the tidiest of his siblings.

“Well…” Lauren was initially stumped for a reply, knowing that the allegation was perfectly true. 

Fred butted in, always willing to help his muggle friend out. “Where would you like Lauren’s knickers then, Mister Tidy?” 

Lauren began to laugh as soon as the question had left Fred’s mouth. “Really?” she laughed, making Fred shrug at the opportunity that he had given his brother, whose grin was widening at the exchange.

“In my robes' pocket.” Charlie’s voice was low, but his brothers still heard, and smiled. “Especially during Ministry Balls. That’s an excellent place for them,” he continued, looping his arms around Lauren’s waist and trying to surreptitiously squeeze her bum.

“Oh, Quartz would like that idea,” said Hermione, looking up from her phone. “She had Fred and I in the stacks of Flourish and Blotts dressed as Elizabeth Bennet and Mr Darcy with no underwear on…”

“Really?” Fred looked excited. “Can I read that one?”

“Of course,” Hermione smiled. “And then we can go to Flourish and Blotts and re-enact it if you like…”

It was clear from the look on Fred’s face that he would like that. Very much.

“There’s another question, though, before you get all excited,” Hermione continued. “She needs to know about boy’s pants too.” Hermione began to read the second part of Quartz’ message out loud. “I know that pants are underwear and what we call pants are trousers to you. But do pants refer to a specific type of undergarment? Boxers, briefs, boxer-briefs?”

“Oh!” Ginny was interested in that one. “Now that is a good one,” she said. “We’re going to need another round of biscuits.”

“Well,” said Lauren. “Historically, pants were Y-fronts, when that was all that was available.”

“I remember those days!” Arthur called from the doorway. Clearly, he had been listening from the kitchen.

“DAD!” The distress was unanimous. No-one wanted to talk about Y-fronts with Arthur. 

“What?” He looked confused. “They’re only pants!” Resigned, he turned towards the kitchen door. He might as well go out to his shed. 

“She’s going to want to know what Y-fronts means, though,” Jessica pointed out. “We don’t use that term either. Maybe that’s what we call briefs?”

“I know that one too,” Arthur called over his shoulder, one hand on the door handle. “My MACUSA liaison calls them tighty whities.” He headed for the garden, leaving a room full of speechless people.

Harry was the first to recover. “I don’t even want to know how that conversation came about,” he laughed.

“We have briefs too, nowadays,” Ginny said to Jessica. “No-one says Y-fronts anymore. Well, except…” she pulled a face and pointed a finger out of the window to where Arthur was en route to his shed, banished from the conversation. He didn’t look like he minded much though, as he was holding a cable that he had brought home for work for dissection. 

“So Y-fronts are tighty whiteys, and we all have briefs, and all of them are called pants?” the American witch said.

“They’re all pants,” Hermione confirmed. “Boxers aren’t usually called pants, though. At least I never say pants when I’m talking about Fred’s boxers. Does anyone else?”

Everyone shook their heads. “No, we all just say boxers when we’re talking about Fred’s boxers,” George confirmed. “Boxers are boxers no matter which side of the pond you’re on.”

“Except their boxer briefs, maybe,” George added. “We'd say trunks these days. Though trunks can also be swimwear. But underwear trunks could be pants, I suppose. Or boxers. Whatever best fits your story.”

Hermione held her hand up. “Let’s leave it there,” she said. “I’ve got a great idea.”

“Oh, what’s that?” Lauren asked. She had been giggling with Fleur, who had just arrived. When Lauren finished whispering, Fleur nodded and then cast a spell that Hermione hadn’t recognised.

“I’m going to send her the link to the Marks and Spencer’s men’s underwear page!” Hermione was excited as she typed into her phone. “Then she can see for herself.”

“Right,” said Fred. “Quidditch time!”

“Oh cool,” Charlie said, taking a biscuit for the road. “But why now?”

“Because,” George slapped his brother on the shoulder on the way past, “when you mouseover each item on the Marks and Spencer’s men’s underwear page, you get a picture of a half-naked man modelling the pants. Last time they went on there, it took all morning. That’ll give us loads of time for a game before lunch…” 

Charlie dropped a kiss on Lauren’s cheek as he turned to join his brothers. “Hey!” She caught his hand and pulled him down so she could whisper in his ear. “Check your robes pocket when you get outside,” she said with a wink; delighted that Fleur had managed to cast a spell to transfer Lauren’s knickers to exactly the place where Charlie said he wanted them. “And then good luck beating Harry to the snitch in those cute, tight pants you put on this morning…”


End file.
